just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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