hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
