I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize