I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Houston, we have a squirter
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
