I hate your face
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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