If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
