she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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