Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
