If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
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The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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