is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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