Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
