I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
