i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
