Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
