I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
