take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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