Having a random hookup so left but love u
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
