im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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