even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
