According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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