guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
