Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
