Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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