so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
