I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
