you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
