White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
