Little spoons don't ask big questions
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
