I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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