My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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