i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
