I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
