Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
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Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
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In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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