I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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