I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
