I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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