her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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