I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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