She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
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And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
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I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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