You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
