just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
