I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
