If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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