I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
