no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
