this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
