I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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