No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
