You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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