Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
