i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
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Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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