So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
