Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
