It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
