Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
