I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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