words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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