not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
